Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
the world’s most popular steaming services
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.