wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
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What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.