wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
You Might Also Like
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I found your tweet-up…
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.