Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

The 6 types of sex

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious