wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
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I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.