Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.