Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]