Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house