Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

🙅🏻

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.