Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
August 8
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.