Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.