Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
So true for me
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
