my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
lol
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Just why bro?!
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
584.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.