Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.