Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
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I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Are we there yet?…
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME