Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Lol

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.