Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.