Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I am HOWLING at this
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*