Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
About to throw up
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Selfie
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does