wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
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I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful