Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.