Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
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wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
smartest karate player in the world
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck