Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car