KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You Might Also Like
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Damn he played himself
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.