Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
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My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”