Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
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#FunnyLife Insects
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam