Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
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Bless you
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?