Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I did not eat the cake…
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name