Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
You Might Also Like
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Just me?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous