Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours