Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

never compromise your values

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me: