Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Don’t use snow tires in the summer. They melt.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza