Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Happy weekend !
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes