Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

What kind of a cult is this?

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors