Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
They’re called werewolves.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!