Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”