Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
this has to be peak English
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.