Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.