Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Home #decor warning.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
termite twitter scares me
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?