Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
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Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
This was the best day of my life
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Meow?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?