Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
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writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Just got to our Airbnb!
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?