Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has there ever been a more American story?

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.