Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
You Might Also Like
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
☠️☠️☠️
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.