Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.