Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.