Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU