Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.