“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My love language is deader than Latin
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.