Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

Alexa; make it look like an accident

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

who did the taste test?

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.