Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?