Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Yeah. This was me today.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Previously On Persistence 😎
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.