Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?