Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.