Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB