Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

bears

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

How times have changed.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…