Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER