Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.