Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Phones down.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

I know karate and tons of other words.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents