Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?