Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP