Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
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*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Anime is real
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick