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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?


Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.


Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”


Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.


Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it’s going to be stuck that way forever


The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”


While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section


ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.


What a weird thing that a Presidential candidate is like “I tried to stab my friend” & his opponents are like “no you didn’t.”


*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle