@texasstalkermom

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

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@1MeLrO

You think you got problems

I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti

Supper is ruined I tell you

@spies_please

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

@jakob_huber

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

@skedaddle74

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

@samalmightysam

If you receive an e-mail that says: ”FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS” Don’t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.

@SwirlySkittles

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.