Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
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me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Every work call, he judges.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I have never related to anyone more.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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