If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
A man of commitment.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.