want me to check your oil?
You Might Also Like
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.