want me to check your oil?
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I beg your pardon?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
