“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”