“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
turning my gender off to conserve energy
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn