“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant