“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
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My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Try and stop me.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.