“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”