Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet