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Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
i’m sure it’s fine
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Basically.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no