London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.
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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls
Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.
*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.