@timdonakowski

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

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@thomaswhitehead

London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.

@FeelsLike2sday

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

@drinksmcgee

Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine

@PeachCoffin

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

@nerdamage

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

@PaperWash

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

@OllyiConic

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

@Parkerlawyer

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

@3sunzzz

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.