Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars