Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

me to God

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.