Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
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walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…