Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
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her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”